Thursday, November 11, 2010

Mission Aborted. As Usual

"Halloween is over when I say it is..."

I skipped happily into my girls room the other morning, much like I did on the day of their first hair cut with presents in tow and a chirpy voice one should only hear from that crazy bitch on Sprout who wears pigtails and a handkerchief around her neck.  It was potty training day and these two kids were gonna poop in the potty whether they liked it or not. As was the case, not.

I presented them with Hello Kitty baskets full of brightly colored undies and promised them all kinds of big-time presents if they cooperated.  Lulu seems intrigued and began pawing through the undies deciding which ones to put on (a pair that said "Wednesday" even though it was Saturday but I was going to pick my battles that morning). When Moxley realized what was going on she ducked under the covers screaming "NOT YET NOT YET NOT YET!" and hurled the basket of undergarments in the general direction of my head.

That set Lulu off and a second basket hit me in the shoulder and she too hid for cover. I stood in the middle of their room with Baby Gap underwear strewn about with no clue how to proceed. So I did what I've always done (getting them off the bottle, getting them to give up pacis, getting them to accept that other humans live on our planet) and immediately gave up. Mission aborted.

Lulu, who often serves as the official spokesperson on issues of grave concern, said they "were not ready yet." I asked when she thought they might be ready and after giving it some thought she answered, "Seven weeks and two days." I'm not sure how she came up with that interesting timetable, but it won't allow me to meet my self-imposed deadline of their third birthday, which is in exactly 5 days.

My revised goal is to have them potty-trained by next August when they start pre-school. The tactic then will be shame. "Nobody likes kids that crap their pants" perhaps I'll say as I hold my nose in disgust. But this goes to a larger problem with my parenting style: avoidance. I avoid the hard things, apparently, which makes our life day-to-day very pleasant and a barrel of laughs but perhaps I'm not preparing them to deal with the real world. They don't seem at all ready or willing to move on to next stages, and I just enable it.

Like they are still wearing their Halloween costumes every day and it's mid-November. I figure maybe by March they'll start wearing the little Christmas tree t-shirts I bought them at Target.

Plus, I see a glimpse into my future, and it's not very pleasant. They will be 35 sitting ass on my couch and when I inquire why they don't have a job they'll scream, "NOT YET NOT YET NOT YET!" and instead of kicking them out so I can fulfill my dream of dying in peace at The Villages, America's Friendliest Home Town, I will be 74 years old and supporting two no-good daughters who use up my entire Social Security check on Depends because they STILL crap their pants.


  1. If it makes you feel better my 3 year old niece still isn't potty trained in the pooping category. For whatever reason pooping is scary on a toilet. However, I have to say I just don't see how it's enjoyable to poop into a pull ups. Doesn't that feel like, well, shit?

  2. 1st off...don't worry, it works itself out...they will eventually go on the potty.

    it is hard, though. My daughter is 4 1/2 and I still give her a treat when she poops on the potty. Lame, I know, but really, you gotta pick your battles...

  3. Ooo, The Village! I want to live there, too!

    Don't worry about the potty thing. It will work itself out. Something that helped my daughter: seeing someone a tad bit older do it by themselves. My friend's daughter is about 18 months older than my daughter. So I used another parenting tactic: peer pressure.

    Which will bite me in the ass later, I'm sure.

  4. The potty thing will work itself out. I promise. Plus, cut yourself some slack. You are outnumbered after all.

  5. O.k. so what is it about The Villages? I can't get that fucking song out of my head. Funny thing is I posted about it this morning because it seems that my six year old is already interested in her future retirement at that exciting community.

  6. I have some cloth diapers available if you want to give that a try. Apparently the economy has improved enough that people can buy disposables now. Two months before I got my sh*t together to post the darn things on Craigslist everyone wanted cloth diapers, now, not so much. I think that is what got Marjorie trained early since she could feel the wet unlike disposables that can hold half a gallon of pee. ;)

  7. I think you need to write a sitcom pilot. It would be a huge hit!

    My daughter is 2 1/2, and up until three weeks ago she was officially potty trained. One day she woke up and informed me, "It too hard, mommy. I want the baby diaper." Months of going in the potty, no accidents, and now she's randomly stripping off her princess panties and peeing in any convenient spot - car, kitchen, bathroom floor. Oh ho ho... we're having lots of fun over here. I'm being held hostage by a two year old's bladder and there are not enough Dum Dums in the world to change her mind. I don't get these tiny people and their giant attitudes. Good luck to you.

  8. Haha! Well my daughter didn't start until after her third birthday. And wasn't fully trained until almost three months later.

    It will happen. Eventually.

  9. Believe me, it doesn't last forever...just feels scary enough to make you think it will, though.

  10. My kid told me she would be ready "when I am 3, Mommy." When I reminded her of that on the day after 3rd birthday, she told me "maybe when I am 4, Mommy." Turned out to be four months later, after spring break at pre-school when she was 3 1/2 -- other kids came back trained, and peer pressure worked to my advantage. Totally just decided it one day. About a week after I had actually spent money to meet with a child psychologist to try to figure out if other issues were causing the refusal . . .

  11. My daughter was fine with peeing on the toilet and would hold her poop in until bedtime when I would give her a pull up and she would then proceed to go into the nearest closet and drop her load. Family circumstances made a situation where she had to stay overnight at my girlfriend's house who had an older child. When my friend went to give her the pull up at bedtime my daughther replied.."oh, i already went in your toilet" and sure enough she did. After that she was trained...after a year of pull up in the closet pooping. Go figure