Monday, March 8, 2010

Oscar Night Thoughts

I am the perfect person to give an analysis of the Oscars because:

1) I didn't see any of the nominated films, and

b) I pretty much fast forwarded through all of the acceptance speeches.

So that leaves me completely impartial and unmarred by pre-conceived notions based on the quality of movies themselves or my opinions of people's outfits clouded by rags-to-riches sob-stories by weeping winners.

Some observations:

I realize being married to James Cameron can't be easy, but is it so completely demoralizing that Suzy Amis won't eat, refuses to cut her hair (unless her next role is as Rapunzel, in which case forgive me) and ages at quadruple the rate of a president?

Suzy might want to talk to Demi Moore.

What the f@#$ is she doing? I want to know the name of the doctor and a complete list of procedures. Not that I can afford it, but I would show up at his clinic, hold him at gunpoint and make him perform whatever those procedures are immediately. I figure I could claim delayed post-partum depression and be out of the clink in three years (looking fabulous). The bonus would be my girls would be entering kindergarten upon my release from prison so I would skip the rest of these hard years and saunter back in as the hot PTA mom when my kids would be in school all day.

Did you see the tribute to John Hughes? I cried. Not out of nostalgia but because all those people peaked in high school and that seems kind of sad. The only ones that should ever show themselves in public again are Matthew Broderick and that guy who played Ducky who is now on Two and a Half Men. In particular, what happened to Ally Sheady and why? And Judd Nelson? Where did he get those glasses? And, at the risk of repeating myself: WHY?

What was on the back of Sarah Jessica Parker's head? Could she not get a babysitter for her twins so she decided to wrap them up and pin them in her hair? That doesn't seem very motherly.

What the hell was Monique talking about? Is her husband is little controlling or what? Regardless it was nice of him to let her off the leash to go up and accept her award.

What was with George Clooney's scowl all night? And that Italian bitch he was with? Did someone not tell her she is at the ACADEMY AWARDS with GEORGE CLOONEY. Cheer up! Sheesh. And I will go on the record now that I don't find Clooney remotely attractive. I'm serious.

What happens to Hollywood soundtracks when Randy Newman dies? Has there ever been a year he hasn't been nominated? And I think this year he was double-nominated. (Don't quote me on that, I was TIVO-ing around like nobody's business.)

The blogosphere was abuzz that John Travolta showed up at the Academy Awards wearing jeans.

People, his son died a year ago. You're lucky he didn't show up in pajamas. Give the guy a break! Really!

I love Steve Martin. Love him. I think we could have really had something. I also love Sandra Bullock and must confess I'm confused by her husband. Which reminds me of when he was on Celebrity Apprentice and Donald Trump's yes-man said Jesse James must be something special because Sandra Bullock could have married anyone and she married him. And deadpan Donald replied: "She couldn't have married me."

Why was Tina Fey dressed as Bam Bam?

I am the only person on the planet who doesn't like Tina Fey. I certainly understand that subconsciously I might be jealous, but I don't think that's it. I think I just don't like her.

That's all I got. I hope Suzy Amis isn't sick and I'm going straight to hell for criticizing her appearance. Although I'm probably going straight to hell anyway.


  1. You know, I was wondering if Amis is sick too. She just doesn't look healthy. Then again, isn't she like his 5th wife? He must be hard to live with.

    I love Tina Fey but she's someone that you either get or you don't. There isn't much in between with her.

  2. You're right about most things. SJP's hair? Weird. Her 'I want to be an Oscar statuette dress' Weird. That poor wife? I think yes, sick.


    You're wrong about Tina Fey. She's a genius.

  3. On the Tina Fey thing, I should perhaps clarify that I've never seen 30 Rock. But I just didn't think her SNL News hosting stuff was remotely funny. Or that her time as head writer there produced much worth watching. So maybe I should say I didn't like SNL Tina Fey -- which has kept me from tuning into 30 Rock.

  4. Tina Fey has a very particular kind of humor. I think she's pee-your-pants funny. My husband and I love "30 Rock," but there are moments when he just says "I didn't get that one," and I can't even begin to explain it. I think she speaks to the inner crazy person in all of us--or at least in me. Though I don't know what to do about her appearance. She's really pretty, but she's sort of made a living out of not being glamorous, so when she tries, I don't know what to do. Maybe she should go the Diane Keaton route and simply refuse to wear the dresses.

    I didn't watch a single second of the Oscars and haven't seen a single second of any of the movies featured either; I haven't been under a rock, there are just many older, cheaper movies I haven't seen yet. But now I understand why James Cameron said in an interview that his wife's dress was "Avatar blue." He wasn't kidding.

  5. Totally agree with you about Tina Fey although we may be the only two on the planet. And, an aside ...... is that really Steve Martin???

  6. Yeah, give 30 rock a chance. I didn't think SNL was funny with her doing the news either, but 3O Rock is really funny!

  7. Oh, I love Tina Fey. Right about that Amis woman, doesn't look well. What was up with SJP?
    I love your blog by the way. You're very funny.

  8. I think that people just automatically think SJP is a candidate for the best dressed list every time. So, they put her there. She had some sort of rodent strapped to the back of her head people! That is not a good look. Perhaps the twin or three children thing is compromising her ability to walk out of the house in tact. I know it does that for me.

    Couldn't agree with you more on James Cameron's wife. Someone show that woman a haircut or a stylist. Surely, she can scrounge the money together for both.

  9. Ditto on Tina Fey.

  10. Listen, I don't get the Tiny Fey thing either and I do think 30 Rock is funny. Not always funny but funny. But also annoying. Also, not attracted to George Clooney. Way back when, do you remember that John Stamos and George Clooney were almost the same person? Is it just me?

    I think I would like to confess here that I do not find David Sedaris to be even slightly humorous or a genius. So there.

  11. OMG, that's Ducky! I thought I knew him from somewhere.

  12. don't get david sedaris(or his sister) but really like Tina Fey

  13. Who would have thought that Ducky would have come out on top & Ted the Farmer would be on steroids? Not me.