I am the perfect person to give an analysis of the Oscars because:
1) I didn't see any of the nominated films, and
b) I pretty much fast forwarded through all of the acceptance speeches.
So that leaves me completely impartial and unmarred by pre-conceived notions based on the quality of movies themselves or my opinions of people's outfits clouded by rags-to-riches sob-stories by weeping winners.
I realize being married to James Cameron can't be easy, but is it so completely demoralizing that Suzy Amis won't eat, refuses to cut her hair (unless her next role is as Rapunzel, in which case forgive me) and ages at quadruple the rate of a president?
Suzy might want to talk to Demi Moore.
What the f@#$ is she doing? I want to know the name of the doctor and a complete list of procedures. Not that I can afford it, but I would show up at his clinic, hold him at gunpoint and make him perform whatever those procedures are immediately. I figure I could claim delayed post-partum depression and be out of the clink in three years (looking fabulous). The bonus would be my girls would be entering kindergarten upon my release from prison so I would skip the rest of these hard years and saunter back in as the hot PTA mom when my kids would be in school all day.
Did you see the tribute to John Hughes? I cried. Not out of nostalgia but because all those people peaked in high school and that seems kind of sad. The only ones that should ever show themselves in public again are Matthew Broderick and that guy who played Ducky who is now on Two and a Half Men. In particular, what happened to Ally Sheady and why? And Judd Nelson? Where did he get those glasses? And, at the risk of repeating myself: WHY?
What was on the back of Sarah Jessica Parker's head? Could she not get a babysitter for her twins so she decided to wrap them up and pin them in her hair? That doesn't seem very motherly.
What the hell was Monique talking about? Is her husband is little controlling or what? Regardless it was nice of him to let her off the leash to go up and accept her award.
What was with George Clooney's scowl all night? And that Italian bitch he was with? Did someone not tell her she is at the ACADEMY AWARDS with GEORGE CLOONEY. Cheer up! Sheesh. And I will go on the record now that I don't find Clooney remotely attractive. I'm serious.
What happens to Hollywood soundtracks when Randy Newman dies? Has there ever been a year he hasn't been nominated? And I think this year he was double-nominated. (Don't quote me on that, I was TIVO-ing around like nobody's business.)
The blogosphere was abuzz that John Travolta showed up at the Academy Awards wearing jeans.
People, his son died a year ago. You're lucky he didn't show up in pajamas. Give the guy a break! Really!
I love Steve Martin. Love him. I think we could have really had something. I also love Sandra Bullock and must confess I'm confused by her husband. Which reminds me of when he was on Celebrity Apprentice and Donald Trump's yes-man said Jesse James must be something special because Sandra Bullock could have married anyone and she married him. And deadpan Donald replied: "She couldn't have married me."
Why was Tina Fey dressed as Bam Bam?
I am the only person on the planet who doesn't like Tina Fey. I certainly understand that subconsciously I might be jealous, but I don't think that's it. I think I just don't like her.
That's all I got. I hope Suzy Amis isn't sick and I'm going straight to hell for criticizing her appearance. Although I'm probably going straight to hell anyway.