Wednesday, October 13, 2010


People, I awoke this morning as I would imagine a soldier might when he knows he'll be engaging in life-threatening, hand-to-hand combat. Except instead of doing push-ups and perhaps a few shots of tequila, I put on the most over-the-top, peppy, faux elation persona and burst into their room first thing singing like a lunatic what a SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL day we were about to have! Here are your new SPECIAL Hello Kitty t-shirts made especially for first haircuts! Have whatever you want for breakfast! Halloween cookies? Excellent choice! What do you want for lunch? French fries and ice cream at McDonalds? Yes, ma'am would you like another!

All the while I kept reminding them there was a SPECIAL SPECIAL SPECIAL present awaiting them after they successfully got their hair cut. Really, it's best I don't star on a reality show like those other freaky moms of multiples -- I'd be committed to the nearest psychiatric facility or at the very least mocked to high heaven for the way I carried on today. At least nobody witnessed the idiocy except for a couple of 3-year-olds who kept looking at me all day like, "Calm the f@#$ down lady." And all the gifts and my manic antics (if you saw me today you might have suspected we won PowerBall) was all for nothing, given nobody was really protesting. The only voiced resistance to the proposed haircut was when Moxley said "Lulu has to go first." Conveniently, Lulu said she wanted to be first. I kept waiting for the terror to set in. The howls. The bat-shit crazy reaction that used to happen when strangers came too close. Nothing. I almost wanted to scream: "You bitches are getting YOUR HAIRCUT TODAY! BY A STRANGER! WITH SCISSORS! DON'T YOU GET IT!!!???"

But we calmly walked into Snippets and they were presented with lollipops and by God, my twins got their first hair cut and everyone, including the stylist, is alive. (It would have been so much of a better story if they went berserk and the stylist stormed out hysterically mid-cut and her body was later found in the Chicago River with a suicide note that simply said "TWINS!")

The outcome: New haircut and new sparkly shoes as promised.

On the down side, who knew two children's haircuts could be so expensive:

Actual haircuts including overtipping because I was so very joyful: $51
Hello Kitty t-shirts from Old Navy: $24
McDonalds lunch (I had a McFlurry and not one of those pansy-assed snack sizes either): $9.33
Cook and bake roll of sugar cookies plus two tubes of orange decorating frosting: $10.63
Lelli Kelli sneakers plus shipping: $147.94
Not having kids that have Heath Ledger hair: Priceless but slightly sad given Halloween is in 18 days and The Joker would have been funny
Total: $240.90

I'm pretty sure even JLo doesn't pay this much for a hair cut.


  1. Shit! Luca saw those shoes on a commercial and I just about broke my leg leaping over the coffee table to turn off the t.v.(the remote was currently being gnawed on by the youngest beast in the household). Hopefully the show I put on nearly losing my front teeth made her forget those shoes exist.

    P.s. They are cute shoes though

  2. Their cute faces are even more cuter now with their haircuts, totally worth the price and peace you endured for your effort.

  3. Aw, so cute! What's so special about the shoes?

  4. I don't suppose those shoes come in an adult size 8, in heel form?

    Guess I'll just have to bedazzle my own shoes but, damn, that bedazzler is hard to get in certain spots.

    And that doesn't just apply to shoes.

  5. Congrats for getting through that milestone with ease!

    Their new dos look adorable!

  6. congrats to you and your girls! such adorable haircuts. bribery is one parenting skill i have used since my son was old enough to take the lollipop from my hand. thanks for sharing and take care.

    ps - did you watch RHODC reunion and RHOBH premiere?

  7. They sure look cute though! We are lelli kelli fans over here also. God, that woman has a racket going seducing toddlers with sequins doesn't she?

  8. Holy shitmonkey!! Will you be my momma???

  9. No matter your age, hair maintenance is not cheap. I think there should be a government subsidy for women's hairstyling. Like there is in France.

  10. That is hilarious! (they look adorable, btw). I spend that amound of moolah whenever shots at the pediatrician are due. McDonalds milkshakes, toys, bouncy-house trips, etc. But ya know what? it's worth it.