Friday, June 25, 2010

Dum Dum

If the man who introduced my children to lollipops is reading this: RUN AND HIDE, because I will kill you. It happened innocently enough. We were leaving a parking garage downtown, one of those annoying ones where they take your keys and bring the car to you expecting a tip on top of the $25 you are already paying for the pleasure of parking there. As we waited, the guy working in the office offered the girls one of those little Dum Dum lollipops. Their faces, I imagine, were like the face of a future addict who first tries crack cocaine. Similarly, they were hooked on their first try.

Thereafter, whenever we parked at this garage, which we often did because one of their favorite playrooms was housed there, they expected lollipops for the ride home. But sometimes the garage people didn't have them, blissfully unaware, I'm sure, that they were causing me a very unpleasant 15-minute ride home where the word LOLLIPOP was screamed 2 million times in a high-pitched, screeching manner. To avoid this, which sooner or later would have made me drive off the road into Lake Michigan, I bought a bag and would offer them one of our own. I'm a classic enabler. Sort of like Dina Lohan but with a slightly better hair dye job.

I'm not against sugar so it would have been fine. Except. Except at some point they decided they only liked certain flavors of these Dum Dum lollipops. Lulu (I might as well call them by the names of the blog. For future reference, Lulu is Twin A aka Orange, Skinny Twin; Moxley is Slightly Chubby OCD Twin) only likes the pink ones. But only the Strawberry Shortcake flavor, not the Bubble Gum kind. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT try to trick her on this account should you run out of the Strawberry Shortcake flavor. Trust me. Moxley only likes the Banana Split variety. This produces a conundrum. Because each bag of Dum Dum lollipops only contains maybe two of each of those flavors. Apparently, the rest of the flavors like strawberry, cherry, watermelon, coconut and grape taste like ass. Because they take one lick and carry on like I just served them one that lists Rat Turds as the flavor on the wrapper or similar. (Ever notice they have a purple wrapper that is a "surprise" flavor? Who wants to be surprised by what lollipop flavor awaits them?)

So now I have bag upon bag upon bag of Dum Dum lollipops with about 4 lollipops missing out of each bag. What does one do with enough lollipops for Angelina Jolie to give out to each orphan she meets on her good-will missions? I could save them for Halloween but we're in a condo and get very few trick or treaters -- plus nobody wants Dum Dum lollipops, they want good crap like Three Musketeers bars and such.

I told my husband to take them to work, because nothing screams professional like a grown man offering Dum Dum lollipops out of a big bowl sitting on his desk to colleagues visiting his office. (I once had a boss who kept an awesome bowl of candy for public consumption in his office, but with the really good stuff like Twix, Skittles and Milk Duds. I think it kept him from getting fired for a good two years after he should have because the head of HR was this rotund guy with a sweet tooth who came and raided the bowl every afternoon around 3 pm. Eventually the HR guy was fired and replaced by a small skinny woman who ate black coffee for every meal and he was canned shortly thereafter. Coincidence? I don't think so.)

I might call the Dum Dum people and see if I can order custom-made bags of JUST strawberry shortcake and banana split. Even if there was a surcharge it would probably be more cost-effective than paying $2.50 per bag for four edible lollipops.

If you're wondering why I also have some Trader Joe's (organic!) lollipops, it's because I was hit with the news unexpectedly that they stopped giving out balloons (moms complained they were dangerous -- bite me) after promising the girls they would get balloons if we went there to get some milk. Imagine the scene in the check-out line when I received this piece of unfortunate information. I had to get out of line and scramble around the store for a suitable replacement and came upon these. What makes a lollipop organic one wonders? Anyway, Lulu only liked the orange and Moxley only liked the pink so now I'm stuck with some fancy organic lollipops as well.

As an aside, ever notice the Trader Joe's checkout people are really nice. Like too nice? Like they want to tell you about the time they had a dinner party and served the exact cheese you're buying and what crackers go really well with it and shit like that while the mob in back of you starts getting restless? I'm not a chatty person, so I prefer the snotty, tattooed Whole Foods people who kind of snarl at your groceries while discussing the tofu they had for lunch with the grocery bagger whose hair is dyed an unnatural shade of black and whose face piercings look slightly painful.

Anyway, we are having a small dinner party Saturday night and I'm thinking of serving lollipops with the wine and cheese, sort of like Kelly Bensimon served jelly beans to Luann and Sonja when they came by for appetizers before dinner. And then maybe we'll have lollipops for dessert as well with gift bags filled with lollipops for everyone to take home. And as they leave for the evening, I will scream "Satchels of Gold!" at everyone out the window and anyone who doesn't get it will never be invited to my home again. Because if you don't watch Real Housewives of New York City, you frankly have no business being a guest in my home.

PS -- It's come to my attention that one of my three readers doesn't like the "PSS" I use, neither appreciating its incorrect grammatical form nor finding it funny. Hereon, should I feel the need for a post-script, I will adhere to the correct post-script abbreviation of PPS.

PPS -- I just wanted to show I was serious about that, because let's face it, sometimes I lie.

PPPS -- I realize this post was not amusing and rambling and long and in some places makes no sense. Maybe I have more in common with Kelly Bensimon than I care to admit. Zip it.


  1. Well, I think I'd fit in because I totally get "satchels of gold." What time can I stop by and get my lolly pop gift bag? However, I only want the lolly pops if they are not proessed food because eating processed foods is bad, but candy is good.

  2. so happy you are watching RHONY so you can incorporate the show into your posts. i think kelly is crazy, but we share the same addiction to sweets. are you watching "Bethenny Getting Married?" it's fun. i love all the flavors of the Dum Dums, except for Root Beer {it just makes no sense}. i'll start buying some bags and taking out Lulu and Moxley's fave flavors and send them to you. it will be like an exchange program. take care.

  3. Too funny. My daughter is also addicted to Dum Dums.... It was a dangerous thing to start and I will take full blame. However, she will only eat whatever flavour matches her outfit that day (i.e. if she has a purple shirt on she MUST have a purple dum dum - and not the 'surprise dum dums' in the purple wrapper (who thought that was a genius idea anyway??!!!)... I am thinking that most 2 year olds are OCD...mine definately is! My only problem (besides the addiction part) is Dum Dums are not available in Canada, so I have to put orders in whenever someone does a cross-border shopping trip.

    PS - I am pretty sure you can get bags of one flavour - check their website.

    PSS - Just because xo

  4. Just to prepare you, (my) research shows that the candy OCD carries over to the three's. You could always take the extra lolipops to the park, dress yourself as a clown and see how that goes. Nothing could possibly go wrong there.

  5. We have a similar situation here with dum dums being offered at the car wash and dry cleaners. Last time the dry cleaners were out of lollipops. How dare they...

    Love RHONY!! That Kellly sure is a head case, but great entertainment. What are you cooking for your dinner party? Something from the crockpot?

  6. Why are we living parallel lives and yet not in constant touch with each other? It makes no sense to me. Maybe we could start a swap program with our dum dums. I am happy to provide the flavors your children crave and in exchange I will get the sheer volume of your left overs. My kids don't really care as long as they have a constant supply of sugary treats.

    Housewives: Well, it's me you're talking to so yeah.

    Oh and Trader Joe's: I've blogged about their way too friendly demeanor but I've never actually realized that it does seem to be in direct correlation to the bad attitude at Whole Paycheck. You are so right.

    Let's make love.

  7. I am a 2 year old trapped in a 38 year old's body and your blog posts are my Dum Dum's. You are my drug of choice. Pleeeeeease keep writing such lovely posts.

  8. I know I shouldn't enable this behavior, but you have seen this? You actually can order boxes of single flavors. And at $5 a box, I bet that's way cheaper than buying assorted bags to get at the couple of lollipops you want.

    I know, I'm here to ensure that no child has to endure the pain of a non-favorite sucker.

  9. you are so damn funny! Your blog is like a drug...I start reading and I can't stop! I just keep clicking back on the months I missed, it's like, "ok just June....and maybe May...but definitely not...ok April and that is IT for tonight!!!" The one about the people in the park acting like your stuff belongs to them - that used to drive me crazy when my kids were little! And you keep wondering when the parent(s) are going to take some sort of responsibility for the kid and then they never do. It's not just Chicago. Oh my god, you can write PPPPPSSS, PPPQRS or P Squared - just keep writing!!!!!

  10. Actually came across your blog by accident when I googled Disneyworld-Happiest place on earth (was using the reference and suddenly could not remember if it was happiest or funnest) You are hilarious! I have bookmarked this site so I can read the whole thing later. Just wanted to let you know you have a new fan, I don't have time to read this blog, but I will anyway!