Wednesday, February 25, 2009

More Bachelor Application


While I still have The Bachelor on the brain (please make it stop!), following is more of my (rejected) application.  Click here to see the first part.

Birthdate: I'm a Pisces -- That's why you're asking, you want to know my sign, correct? Just so you know, I'm not as needy and clingy as the average fish.  Please ensure The Bachelor is NOT a Leo!  Repeat, NOT a Leo!  Don't get me started on how destructive my relationships with Leos are. Although it might make for good TV.  Is ABC well-insured?

Age: Early 30s but I've been told on two separate occasions I look no older than 29.  Plus I don't intend to let The Bachelor see me in broad daylight or while he's sober so my precise age really isn't a concern.

Height and Weight:  Please ask closer to taping time. I feel a growth spurt and major weight loss coming on.

Highest Level of Education: Bachelor's degree but I have also taken a pottery class at a very reputable pottery establishment here in Chicago. And I took a "Cooking for Two" class at a Martha Stewart-esque facility but was kicked out for setting the place on fire.  (They shouldn't serve wine during instruction time if they are going to overreact to accidents.)

Have You Ever Been Arrested or Convicted of a Crime?  Errr... We all make mistakes.... It's nothing to the magnitude of Bachelorette Brooke's daddy I'm sure.

If Yes, Please Explain:  I had a (shall we say?) run-in with police many moons ago when I tried to enter a liquor establishment with an ID that (shall we say?) coincidentally had my picture on it but somebody else's birthday. I spent a short, yet reflective time in the clink where I bunked with an older gal named Alice who was convicted of lighting her husband's girlfriend's dog on fire. My (allegedly) criminal act was dropped from my (immaculate) record thanks to intense community service (read here I slept with the arresting officer).

Have You Ever Had a Restraining Order Against You?  No, but I have issued plenty of restraining orders AGAINST OTHER PEOPLE.  You'd be surprised how angry one gets when one is unceremoniously dumped right before one's wedding. I must warn you ABC folks -- I tend to bring out the obsessive nature of most men. Please ensure The Bachelor is an emotionally stable sort who can endure glorious highs and hellacious lows.

Have You Ever Filed for Bankruptcy?  No, and I can only hope you ask The Bachelor the same question. Absolutely positively no deadbeats for this bachelorette! (Well, I should say no more deadbeats. It's my New Years resolution.)  Unless, of course, The Bachelor looks EXACTLY like Brad Pitt. ABC Producers, I learned at a young age that there are exceptions to every rule.

Have You Ever Been Married? No, but I've technically been engaged four times (surely that counts for something?) and my parents forfeited a total of $51,254.39 in wedding-related deposits thanks to my fickle self.  Fifth time's the charm?

If Married, Why Are You No Longer Together? The reason I tend to provide when ditching out of my (elegant and well-planned) weddings is, "It's you, not me." And, of course, it WAS them.  There is literally nothing wrong with me.

Do You Have Any Children?  No, but I could probably have one before filming starts if that would improve my odds. Picture The Bachelor finale: The Bachelor is down on one knee, eyes slightly moist with tears of joy from capturing the heart of the world's most perfect woman -- me. He declares his love and proposes marriage.  I scream yes giddily, allowing The Bachelor to delicately slip on a 4.5 carat sparkling princess cut (write that down, ABC producers) and then Chris the Host brings out Mini-Me to her new daddy.  (If you reject me as a Bachelorette, perhaps I can join your team as a producer?)

Are You Genuinely Looking to Get Married? After reading the new study that says fertility starts dropping at age 27 (TICK TOCK!!!) you bet your sweet ass I am. My eggs are like milk at the "buy by" date.  Not yet rotten but with limited time before they go sour.

Believe it or not, there were A LOT more questions, making one wonder how and why Natalie survived the grueling process.  And, of course, Stephanie, the transsexual reptile.




5 comments:

  1. This is the funniest thing ever! I love your application for the Bachelor!

    I wonder why they ask about children... do single moms get dumped because they could possibly be on the heavy side after child birth? Or do they want to keep them because they will be more desperate to get married then women without kids?

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  2. You are so my favorite. I love this.

    My favorite line:
    Unless, of course, The Bachelor looks EXACTLY like Brad Pitt. ABC Producers, I learned at a young age that there are exceptions to every rule.

    I completely agree.

    Lets be friends. =)

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  3. Hilarious. I think this should be the new "25 Random Things About Me" on Facebook" what do you think?

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  4. "Plus I don't intend to let The Bachelor see me in broad daylight or while he's sober so my precise age really isn't a concern."

    Bwa ha ha! Love it!

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