Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I Almost Married Bob Guiney


I once submitted an application to be on The Bachelor. I hope we can still be friends.  If accepted it was to be for the season with Bob Guiney, which clearly I didn't know beforehand. ABC producers, if I'm going to make an ass of myself on national television it better be while vying for a rich, hilarious, good looking dude, not a chubby "musician" who one expects to break into a naked keg stand at any moment. You'd be surprised how long and tedious the application was and why it doesn't tend to filter out the really dull ones who won't get rip-roaring wasted and weep uncontrollably when she's ousted even though she only talked to the bachelor for a total of five minutes.  I let it be known I was willing to provide such drama for the pleasure of the viewing audience, but to no avail.  Maybe sometime I'll post the entire application, but here's one snippet. 

Name three words that best describe yourself:

1) Callipygian: adjective. Having beautifully proportioned buttocks. Derived from Greek kalli (beautiful) and puge (buttocks).

2) Saucy: adjective. Impertinent in an entertaining way. Impossible to suppress.

3) Promiscuous: adjective. Marked by an absence of conventional restraint in a sexual situation.

To this day I'm not sure why I wasn't picked.  Later in the application I appealed directly to Chris Harrison (the host) and promised to, with his help, create "the most shocking rose ceremony ever." For real this time. Don't you hate when they say it'll be the most shocking and you can in fact name at least five other rose ceremonies that were more shocking?  (I suggested when I am the last one standing and the bachelor was down on one knee about to propose -- because clearly I would win -- that Chris and I start making out and I confess I've been sleeping with him during the entire "journey.")

PS -- I haven't been watching this season.  Because Jason strikes me as less interesting than a bowl of cold plain oatmeal served with no milk or toppings.  Just a big soggy blob of nothingness.

6 comments:

  1. this is very entertaining...you would have made the show! i don't normally watch them but i'd make an exception. haha

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  2. Everyone knows the most shocking rose ceremony ever was the one where the football player said the wrong name. His look of horror was almost as priceless as her look of glee at being chosen.

    I found you via the babyonbored referral, by the way. You're my new favorite.

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  3. I'm afraid Bob Guiney was a production choice that went awry. It temporarily put a lot of people off the Bachelor and a few for good. Maybe you're one of those. Maybe you can't forgive and forget. Just know this --this season is one of the best EVER. I don't know why. I can't explain it to you. It just is. I would love for you to know the joys that is this season's Bach so please, please don't deprive yourself of the finale!!

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  4. I cannot understand why you weren't picked ;) Your plea to Chris was hysterical! I'm not sure they want girls with an actual sense of humor.

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  5. Yikes - that was a close call. I'm really surprised you weren't chosen with those 3 words as descriptors. Maybe you needed to add in some inference of The Crazy.

    And yeah, Jason is dull as dishwater, but I can't turn away. I MUST know what DeAnna is going to say to him.

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